Confronting adult peer pressure
There are a few things I’ve been surprised we don’t leave behind after emerging from the angst ridden teen years.
Pimples (they merge with wrinkles & become pinkles).
Competing with each other (We still do this? Haven’t we realized there’s room enough for us all to succeed?).
Peer pressure.
I’d been fortunate enough to avoid the last one for close to two decades. I don’t get out enough to experience drinking pressure (a post for another day). I’ve also lead my ‘new healthy life’ for so long most people can’t imagine me another way.
As a result, it surprised me to experience overt peer pressure at a recent holiday gathering.
Have some bread! A new friend offered.
No thanks. I responded. I felt no need to bore her with details of my gluten-related rashes and swelling.
No really. Have some! It’s great bread. I bought it at XYZ Bakery!
Thanks so much for offering. I don’t eat gluten. I can’t tolerate it.
Come on. Have some. (rips off a piece) Just a little bite. It’s (pauses for a moment) special gluten free bread!
The interaction continued, but you get the gist of the situation.
More than being annoyed it started me thinking about the concept of adult peer pressure.
Substitute the word beer for gluten and you practically have an anti-drinking anti-peer pressure PSA.
The more I pondered, too, the more I realized I probably was not alone in experiencing this at holiday gatherings.
I’ve finally reached the age where I’ve learned a moment of not being true to myself and listening to my body is not worth the resulting days of suffering.
I spent the first two decades of my life gagging down foods I didn’t care for and doing things I knew wouldn’t agree with my body all in the name of not hurting people’s feelings and wanting to fit in.
At 42 I’m finished with all that and want to share with you my plan for approaching the peer pressure laden holiday season.
- Practice firmly saying no. Be ready & rehearsed with your reasons behind the no if you’d like (weight-loss, health, food allergies, etc), just be sure you have a confident and polite no at the ready. Many of my clients had eating plans derailed merely because they came across as uncertain in their food choices. Well-meaning friends and family members interpreted this faltering as an opportunity for discussion and debate.
- Don’t look for excuses and reasons to blame. If your NO is not food allergy related (which people are realizing can be life or death), but purely healthy living enter into gatherings with your mindset in place. Are you committed to staying healthy this holiday season? Know your definition of healthy when you enter peer-pressure filled situations and have a plan. No matter whether your plan is to bring healthy options to share or take a walk (& a break from family-time) when dessert is served it helps to plan ahead when faced with possible pressure. Don’t subconsciously leave yourself an ‘out’ and look for a person upon whom to pin the blame.
- Remind yourself it is not about you. Yes, you need to remain steadfast in your beliefs not to be swayed by peers. That said when others are wholly at ease with their choices they won’t pressure you to join them.
- Don’t accidentally be the one pressuring! Are you a new convert to healthy living? Did you just discover gluten free eating? Have you finally made a full conversion to veganism? It can be a challenge not to want to share these facts with everyone you encounter. Remember, there’s a fine line between sharing I love the way I’m living now! and becoming the unintended pressurer.
All of the tips above are my thoughts and reactions to a recent situation.
I’d love to hear your experiences, thoughts & tips for combating adult peer pressure.
I’m always on the lookout for more to add to my arsenal.
Be well!
Carla
Check out my latest posts here
Dec 09, 2011 @ 05:02:00
Say “I love and respect you and your lifestyle…but this is my choice and not matter what you say or do is not going to change my mind.” Works for me.
Dec 09, 2011 @ 05:07:00
My family is famous for this. Food pushers from the way back. They don’t do it so much to me anymore because they think I’m ‘stubborn’. Since going paleo for health reasons though, they still try it on my husband. Somehow they’ve connected food with love. It’s tough. I bring alternative desserts. And say no a lot.
Dec 09, 2011 @ 05:35:00
no. no. no. no.
Thank you for the reminder that in the end, this is my life & my decision. I feel strong & confident to stand up to peer pressure today!
Dec 09, 2011 @ 06:02:00
I had this scenario unfold at Thanksgiving over turkey (as did my husband…the new vegetarian). We had to say no several times, and we found that people become really irritated if you tell them that you don’t want to eat their turkey! Despite our confidence, there were several comments DURING Thanksgiving dinner about how great the turkey was, and how we were missing out. I had to pull out every bit of willpower in my being to not take the conversation to a bad place, but I managed to not ruin Thanksgiving dinner.
I just don’t understand why people are so pushy with food. I’ve never insisted that anyone eat something that they turn down upon being offered once…if they turn it down, there’s a reason, and it’s frankly none of my damn business why.
Dec 09, 2011 @ 09:21:00
A friend of mine (who is vegetarian) had someone tell her, “You don’t celebrate Thanksgiving because you’re vegetarian!” *sigh*
Dec 09, 2011 @ 06:04:00
Oh…and don’t even get me started on how many people insist that I eat meat now because I “need protein for my growing baby”. People are ridiculous…and they really look at me as if I’m making poor choices and/or being a bad mom.
Dec 09, 2011 @ 09:20:00
I had that throughout my pregnancy as well! A relative told me I was “endangering my baby” by not eating meat. My response to the “you need protein” people (whether I’m pregnant or not) is, “How much protein do I need? And where can I get it from? And how much have *you* had so far today?” They don’t bother me about it again…
Dec 09, 2011 @ 07:48:00
there is GOOD peer pressure, though. Like when we all made smoking uncool or when we decided leggings could be the new yoga pants. But I do agree with you, pp sucks and too many people deal in it.
Dec 09, 2011 @ 07:48:00
My problem is that the one area I have very little self-control is around social settings when there are tasty snacks and desserts around. The kind of pressure it takes for me to cave? “Would you like a cookie?” In fact, a host doesn’t even need to ask before I’m reaching for the treats. I need to get more grown up about this! Or become a hermit. (The second option is actually the most likely of the two).
Dec 09, 2011 @ 08:03:00
Thanks, Carla. I get this with dairy, too, since it’s an allergy and not an intolerance. “There’s no dairy in this, just A, B, C, and cottage cheese.” I’ve gotten over the food/exercise/lifestyle peer pressure thing a long time ago. Besides, it does get some of those pressuring friends to come on to my side. : )
Dec 09, 2011 @ 08:20:00
Thanks for chiming in. For some reason it irked me entirely
and surprised me it was from a man.
He had no idea how gluten impacted me and I just found it all odd.
AND it struck me as kind of surprising Id not have found it have as, well, surprising had it been from a woman!
all interesting food for thought,
Dec 09, 2011 @ 08:54:00
Most people have gotten used to the fact that i “eat weird,” even my father the doctor.
For strangers, i just say, “Thanks, but i can’t” over and over. It’s worked so far.
Dec 09, 2011 @ 09:23:00
A woman from work who I used to socialize with was actually like this with beer — and would buy me beers (I don’t like beer) and then lament that they were getting wasted.
Most people know now that I don’t eat much junk food and will often dismiss me out loud as “so healthy.” But whenever one of them decides that it’s time for them to get healthy themselves, they come to me with questions and looking for help…
Dec 09, 2011 @ 10:55:00
Carla – yes, those 3 we thought we left behind.. NOT! Pimples – don’t even want to get into that at 54, OMG, the hormones!
The other 2 kind of go hand in hand at times. I so wanted to leave them both after the younger & very tough years but they follow you!
I learned to say NO to food pressure a long time ago. Once I lost weight & really started to learn the right way to do things, I was not going to let anything deter me. I knew too well how it felt to be overweight & teased & honestly, it still lives inside my head from when I was young. It keeps me saying no. Maybe not the best reason but it does. Also, the health part of it as an adult keeps me focused as well.
Once I started just being me & saying no OR bringing my own stuff, people got used to me. If I go outside that circle & people ask, I just tell them that my stomach reacts poorly to too many foods & I can’t take the chance of that & getting sick. I also say, this is just me & I prefer to eat my own way… If people continue on, I repeat. If they want advice on being healthier & ask me, glad to talk too much!
I just have to say Carla, if someone told me they could not tolerate a food, I would understand & actually ask about more info to inform myself. Maybe this person has not clue & does not read all this healthy stuff like us.
BUT, since I have got too wordy, me, I just do the above & if I have to tell a little white lie for those that pressure on like “I might throw up if I ate that food that my tummy does not tolerate”, I would do it to stop the pressuring.
In general, all this stuff just brings up such UGH memories of my younger days… as an adult, I am not going to accept it.
Dec 09, 2011 @ 10:58:00
Go Jody GO!!
Dec 09, 2011 @ 11:59:00
Pinkles – love that! (But I hate that I can relate to that!) I am gradually learning it is okay to say “no” without having to come up with an excuse. It’s hard, but getting easier all the time.
Dec 09, 2011 @ 15:04:00
Great article. I’ve come to the place that I MUST put my health first. If people try to pressure me, then they obviously don’t have my best interests at heart, and I see that now. I once donated money to some kids doing a fundraiser at church by selling pieces of pie. I passed on the pie, and just gave the money. But… adults kept coming around pushing pie at me, since they didn’t SEE me eating… saying “it’s for the kids”. I finally got them to leave me alone by saying “Do I LOOK like I need to be eating pie?!!” Really, it took being that blunt. Amazing… still shaking my head over that.
Thanks for a timely article, I’m sure it will help people during the holidays to defend from Food Pushers.
Dec 09, 2011 @ 21:56:00
Hi Carla,
Adult peer pressure can be really annoying. The only ting I might do differently is not to give a reason if it’s a very “subjective” reason like optimal health (vs allergy).
In my experience, people tend to argue if you give them a reason that is less mainstream (e.g. grains are bad for you). Obviously it depends on the people and your relationship with them as well as whether you actually want to maintain a relationship.
In any case a “weak” reason can be worse than no reason at all.
Cheers,
Tony
Dec 10, 2011 @ 05:57:00
A great way to respond to ANYTHING others want you to do, but you do not want to…is: “Wow, thanks for the offer, but that’s just not a match for me right now…I really appreciate you thinking of me…”
Go to lunch with me. (you don’t want to go…)
“Wow, thanks for the offer, but that’s just not a match for me right now…I really appreciate you thinking of me…”
Eat this food. (you don’t want to eat it…)
“Wow, thanks for the offer, but that’s just not a match for me right now…I really appreciate you thinking of me…”
Asked to volunteer. (something you just do not have time for or interest in doing…)
“Wow, thanks for the offer, but that’s just not a match for me right now…I really appreciate you thinking of me…”
It works.
The “magic” in it working well is – truly and authentically (trying to, working toward) appreciating where they’re coming from, they usually have good intentions and usually are just doing their ‘thing’ – unaware of the impact on you.
And, being firm in your own needs, interests and life. The words, “not a match” tends to be (in my experience) non-threatening, non-judgmental and firm. It makes the case without have to ‘make the case’ or explain AND without making anyone wrong.
“It’s not a match…” is basically saying – I am where I am and you are where you are and it’s all good. All good.
Ahhhhh….nice….
Dec 11, 2011 @ 03:37:00
Thanks so much for chiming in. Im cutting pasting and PRINTING many of your tips and insights.
Ill be all set next time
Dec 11, 2011 @ 12:52:00
Thank you so much for your insight!
I sometimes feel as though people get a kick out of trying to get me to eat unhealthy foods that I don’t want. I kept getting so frustrated and then it was pointed out to me that those people were probably insecure or unsure about their own eating habits and thought that if I ate, say, a mozzerella stick it would justify THEM eating a mozzerella stick. As you pointed out, it probably wasn’t about me!
Dec 11, 2011 @ 17:35:00
Peers, family, heck people on the street…the source of pressure is varied, but constant. If you are a “pleaser” like I am, the pressure can be intense…and that is why there are times when reminding yourself that there are times to be stubborn and selfish instead of gracious and accommodating…in a nice way, of course!
Dec 12, 2011 @ 22:13:00
I so needed to read this. I wish that I wasn’t this way but I’m very susceptible to peer pressure (gift and a curse?) and sometimes I need to remember that it’s more important to be true to myself than to please others. Thanks for the eloquent reminder!